The Day I Married My Best Friend...

Six years ago today was one of the happiest days of my life..... I married my best friend.

There is not a whole lot I can say about this without bringing forth the painful tears. Truth be told, all the pain we have endured over the last six years has only proven our love. I think some people questioned it because it took us so long to get together in the first place.

I wish I had some eloquent words to post, but I don't. I wish I could tell the story of our wedding day, but I can't. I'm unable to see past the pain right now. I just know that I am just thankful for having this wonderful person in my life.... to be my best friend.... my husband.... the father of my child...my soul mate.

Oh, how I miss him...



(see my letter to Bear and hear our wedding song here)

I ♥ Faces: My Friend & I

This week's theme is "My Friend & I". When I think of friends, the first person to pop in my head is my husband. After all, he's my best friend. I miss him.

This photo was taken (by me) just a few weeks before he passed away. It's kind of strange to say this but this is one of my favorite photos of us together. I think the reason for this is because at this point we already knew he was dying and we came to the realization just how much we love each other. It is also one of the last photos we have of us together. I'm so glad I have it.

Now, I know it's not the best photo photographically and it's not likely to win any photo contest, but that's okay. I just wanted to share it.

One Bear Hug At A Time - Cancer Blog

I have started a new blog that will focus on my husband's cancer situation. To view it, click the link below:

One Bear Hug At A Time

my husband is dying...

...and I'm sad.

...and I'm mad.

...and I'm scared.

Let's Try Again - Bloggy Giveaway & an Update

What with the unexpected medical issues regarding my husband, my blogoversary giveaway got kind of pushed to the back burner. So I thought, let's try again.

To enter, follow the same rules as in the original post. Post your comments for the giveaway on that post, so that those who already entered will remain entered. Canadian and American only, please.

I will do the draw next Tuesday. So that gives you one week to enter. Good luck everyone!

And now for the update:

As you may recall, my husband was released from the hospital. Not two days later, we ended up back in the emergency room because he kept falling down. He had no strength in his legs whatsoever. One of the falls was partway down the stairs. He was in alot of pain all day long and had no pain killers. Finally, after the last fall we decided to head to the hospital. We were there from 10 pm - 5 am. When he finally saw the doctor, they prescribed him some T3's and gave him the option of staying or going home. They explained to him that being at home would be more beneficial in the long run, and so we came home. He is doing better pain-wise, but still has alot of weakness.

As I write this, it is Sunday evening. Tomorrow, he starts his radiation and on Tuesday, he will start his physiotherapy. Hopefully, he will be on the road to recovery... but the road is long and bumpy. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I thank you all for your support. It means a lot.

Guess Who's Home?

SURPRISE! My husband is home! He called me this morning and said they told him he was being released! No real warning or anything. But I don't totally mind! I went and picked him up and brought him home. Coming in the door, we didn't say anything so that we could surprise Emma. He sat on the chair so that in her excitement she won't knock him down or hurt his back. Anyway, so I opened the kennel and Emma looked out... blinked like 20 times as if she could not believe her eyes! She slowly walked over to him and when she realized he was not a figment of her imagination her tail started wagging like crazy (which is really funny because she doesn't have a tail!) She gave him a bunch of sloppy kisses and he started crying. He thought he would never see Emma again! It was such a sweet reunion!

His medical issues are not over. He will have to have radiation. Next week he is meeting with the radiation oncologist. I am not sure if he will begin treatment that day or if he will just be meeting with them to make the treatment plan. Even though he is home, he is still in a fair bit of discomfort. But right now he is in less pain than he was before he had the surgery, so that is good.

We would like to thank everyone who has been praying for us, and for all of your support. It means more than I can express.

Another Update (Updated again!)

Surgery went well. I have not seen him yet today, but when I saw him yesterday, he was fully awake and with exception of normal post-surgery pain, he was doing alright. Strength in his arms improved alot just from having the mass removed. There may be some permanent damage though.

The mass was actually higher up the back than I thought. It was not actually on the spine as I mentioned before, but instead it was pressing against the spine, and that was causing the pain in his shoulders and back. The surgeon believes that the mass was indeed cancer. I assume they have sent it for further testing, and I think this time he will get chemo and / or radiation, which he did not get last time because his tests came back cancer free.

You have to understand this is very strange for me. I am used to being the one in the hospital bed or going to the doctors. I have known my husband since my 18th birthday and with exception of an occasional cold, I have not known him to be sick. This is his 3rd surgery this year!

I am going to head over to the hospital in an hour or so. I would go spend the whole day there but I had to do some things around here, and I did not want to leave Emma in the kennel all day and evening. I wish he was at a closer hospital, so I could go back and forth. As it is, it's a half hour drive to get there through lots of traffic and construction zones. Maybe it won't be too bad today being a Saturday.

I will keep posting updates... Thanks again everyone for your prayers and well wishes.

UPDATE :

I just got home from being with B for the last few hours. He is feeling more pain today as they are not administrating pain killers on a regular basis anymore. They took off the leg massagers but today he had a harness to keep his back straight. They want him to learn to sit up again so for an hour we gradually put the bed in a sitting position, little bit by little bit. Then they came in to help hm stand up. It took him a good 10 minutes to stand up but once he was up, he was able to walk fine, although not without pain. He will be in the hospital for at least a week, if not more. The doctor came in before I got there and told B that the pathology results show that it was definitely another bought of the same cancer as before. He will likely start chemo and / or radiation shortly. Also physio therapy for the strength he loss. This cancer being so close to the spine causes alot of damage in a short period of time and quite frankly he should not have been able to walk when we arrived there. That's how bad it was.

I think I will keep updating on this particular blog entry so I don't keep starting new blogs. I will put a link to this on the sidebar so anytime you want an update, just click there and it should lead you to all posts about this.

Update on My Husband

The surgeon came to see my husband around 8:00 this morning. I had called at 7:30 (after getting to bed after 2:30 am and waking up every few minutes) and he had not seen the surgeon yet. Anyway, they decided to do the surgery right away. At the time I talked to my husband, he was about to go for xrays and EKG. Following that he was going to the OR. I just spoke to the nursing station and they said he has gone in and that he will probably be in for a few hours at least. Depending on what they find, what needs to be done, and how long it takes for him to recover. So, they told me to call back later this afternoon and they will let me know if I can come see him.

I took the day off work, though I do need to pop by the office to renew my supplies, get my schedule for next week and my pay cheque. It is hard being home alone right now. Emma knows something is wrong. She is also really tired because she was worried yesterday that we left her alone at night, which is not a very common occurrence for both of us to be gone at night time.

When I came home at 1:30 AM, I let her out to potty, and she ran outside and started looking for her daddy. She was so upset that he wasn't home too and she had to chew her bone for over an hour to settle down. She has been sleeping most of the day so far.

Anyway, if you're the praying kind of person, please pray. I wish I knew how to pray. I only know how to beg and to curse. Both of which I've done in the past several hours.

You can still enter my giveaway. You can still vote Emma for Canine Idol. It's good to have some distractions.

My Husband is in the Hospital

He called me at work and told me that the clinic called him at his work and asked him to come for an MRI this afternoon. I told him to call me when he is done then I will come pick him up. He called me just as I arrived home. Since Emma had been in the kennel for 7 hours, which was about 2-3 hours longer than I thought she would be, I took her with me to pick him up. On the way there, my cell phone went off but it was in my pocket and I was driving so I couldn't get it. It turns out that just as my husband was walking out the door after calling me, the nurse ran out and called him in. They told him that the results of the MRI were bad and he must go to the other hospital immediately and the spinal surgeon will be there waiting for him in the emergency ward.

So, I arrived to pick him up, with Emma in the back seat. He got in the car and started crying. If you know him, he never cries. The only time I have ever really seen him cry was when our daughter died and when we brought her home in her ugly little bottle.

Of course, seeing him cry, I knew something was wrong and he told me that we had to take Emma home and go back to the other hospital. After nearly an hour of driving, we arrive at the emergency clinic and they have no idea what we are talking about. They page the spinal unit and tell us to wait. We wait for nearly 3 hours and my husband is in so much pain that he decides he does not want to wait anymore. We went and told them that we were going to leave and they can call us when they hear back from the spinal unit. So we got in the car and drove half an hour home and we see that they have called just a minute before we walked in the door. We called them back and the surgeon assistant or whatever he is says they are waiting for us, come back immediately. So we have not eaten. I still have not eaten since I got back because I'm too upset to cook myself some food.

Anyway we get back and finally we get called back to where the surgeon assistant or whatever he is, and he tells us the results of the MRI show a growth on his back. Now in the last 5 or 6 weeks, we have been told he sprained his muscles, he has a pinched nerve, he may have a herniated disc. But today, we are told there is a mass growing on his spine, possibly cancer, and that is the reason for all his pain. In fact they said he should not be walking... it's that bad, I guess.

So now he is in the hospital being drugged up and in the morning the head surgeon will arrive and assess him and determine a course of action.

I'm scared.

After All

We were married 5 years ago today. It's hard to believe it has only been 5 years after all we have been through in our marriage so far. Our Babybear was born silently the day before our 2nd anniversary. Needless to say, we do not really celebrate our anniversary anymore. But the date is still an important one to mention.

There's a phrase that comes to my mind, I'm not sure where it comes from, I believe it is song lyrics, but it goes like this: "After all that we've been through, it all comes back down to me and you, after all"

Happy Anniversary, Bear.