The Day She Was Due

The last segment in the Days of my daughter's story.

October 30, 2005 was my due date. The day my little girl was due to be born. On her uncle's birthday.

I miss my little girl so much... and now I'm loosing her daddy too.

There is not a lot that I can really say about her due date. Except that it came and went and there was no newborn baby. She was already long gone.

I love you, babybear. Always. xoxo

The Day We Said Hello.... And Goodbye

Once I realized that it was indeed not a gas bubble I was feeling, I reached over for the buzzer to call the nurse. Because I was in a dream like state, I did not even notice that the nurse had been sitting beside me. She came up to me and I told her I thought something was happening. She took a peek and the next thing I know a rush of people came running into the room.

My husband had been napping on the cot on the other side of the room. That is why I could not see him at first. He was woken up by all the commotion and I remember seeing him out of the corner of my eye and he looked very confused and scared.

I remember someone pulling my legs up and I remember being told to push. There was a mirror above the bed and I remember seeing myself as if I was floating above. It was all surreal. After a push or two, I saw something flying out of me. It was dark and small. It landed on the bed. I then noticed the doctor and nurses surrounding this small dark thing that came out of me and it took a moment before I realized that it was my baby that I had seen. I could not understand why no one caught the baby when she came out. Why did they let her plop on the bed?

I remember as they were doing whatever they were doing at that point, my husband turns to me and signs "girl". He never remembers signs, but he remembered that one. I think finding out it was a girl made it that much more difficult to deal with. I have always wanted a daughter, but growing up in a family of boys, I thought it would be unlikely.

They took my baby away to clean her up and take photos. I don't know how long they were gone. They come back with the baby wrapped in pink blanket in a basket. The nurse asks me if I want to see the baby. She warns me that she does not look like what you would expect from a full term baby since my baby is only 26 weeks gestation. She warns me that the baby has a ridge on her head and that she is dark from pools of blood and has some scaring from birth.

I remember looking at this bundle of pink blankets and I remember thinking that I will take a quick peek. I look over and the nurse unwraps her just a little bit. I remember looking and immediately wanting to hold her. The nurse placed her in my arms and I cried. I cried and I cried. I remember telling her I'm sorry. I don't remember much else after this point. I remember the nurse left the room for a while and when she came back, I handed my baby over to her, not knowing what I was supposed to do. Not knowing I could hold her longer. She ended up sitting in that basket for a long time after that. I kept asking my husband, can I hold her again? But when the nurses came in the room I could not summon the words to come out of my mouth. My husband couldn't either.

I also could not form the words to tell them that I had a camera in my purse. And two rolls of film.

Later, the pastor came in the room to say a prayer for my daughter. She hands me back my daughter and I am so relieved to hold her again. She takes a photo with a Polaroid camera and asks if I want more photos. I thought I would look so sad and that the Polaroid picture would be of poor quality. Also, I felt like I was a burden, so I said no, that's alright. Little did I know that the Polaroid picture would turn out to be the best photo quality wise.

I do not remember anything after that. I do not remember when they took my baby away after that. I do not remember if she was still in the room when they sent us home. I do not remember if I said good bye. I do not remember if I told her that I love her. I do not remember anything except the nurse bringing me her clothes and blanket and a little box. I remember struggling to get up and I remember walking very slowly to the elevator. The nurse that led me out was the one we liked the least, and I remember that she basically just rushed us out. I remember looking at my husband holding the box and blanket and I remember thinking it looked like a little coffin. I remember having to walk through the main floor of the hospital to the doors. I remember having to step out the doors where all the smokers were standing near by, despite the law that says you can not smoke within 10 feet of the door. I remember being very upset that pregnant women were standing out there smoking. I remember slowly making our way across the street to the parkade. I remember finally finding our car and I remember being very upset that we were leaving without our baby.

I remember that the doctor gave us another prescription to fill and I remember that we didn't know if my husband could fill it without me there. So we went into the drugstore to fill it and I remember the pharmacist was pregnant. I remember sitting there and crying. I will never understand why the hospital can't give you a few days worth of medication in situations like this.

I remember finally going home and knowing that my heart was forever broken.

My daughter was born on earth at 11:14 AM July 25, 2005. She weighed 1 lb. and was 14 inches long. I will never forget her. I will always love her. I look forward to the day I see her again.

You can see the rest of the excerpts here.

The Day I Was Induced

We went back to the hospital on July 24th. I do not remember much about the bulk of the day. I think we slept pretty much most of the day. I remember my husband forcing me to eat a couple slices of the leftover pizza. I remember him phoning the hospital to tell them we are on our way.

We arrive at the hospital, and park in the parkade. It was a very long walk from the car to Labor and Delivery.

I was induced at around 4:20 PM. They tell me it will take about 2 or 3 hours before I start feeling any contractions. However, the first contraction came about 20 minutes later. It was really quick in starting, so looking back, I wonder if my body was starting to realize that I was no longer carrying a live baby.

I am fuzzy on the timeline here. I was given Demerol to help with the pain. Anyone who knows me knows I have low pain tolerance. The Demerol did not help me with my pain, but somehow I put up with the pain. I never asked for more medication. But because my baby was no longer living, they kept pumping me with painkillers.

At one point, someone brought in a tv and vcr for us. My husband watched movies while I slept. I hardly spoke at all. Although I do remember asking a nurse if they could just cut the baby out of me. Or maybe that was the day before when they first told me what my options are.

I remember at one point I felt sick and I told the nurse that I was going to throw up. She turned around to get a pail and as she was about to pass it to me I threw up all over her. I later developed a migraine as my blood pressure raised with the contractions. I had been plagued with migraines for the bulk of the last 10 years at this point. This was also my last migraine. I have not had one since.

I remember they decided it was time for an epidural. They called the anaesthetist to come up. Unfortunately at this point, he is busy with another patient. They thought he would not be up to see me for a while so they gave me some more Demerol. By the time that was starting to kick in, the anaesthetist was there. So, they sat me up for the epidural but I was like jelly, I could not sit up and I was sleepy. He kept asking me to look at him and tell him my name but I could not keep my eyes open long enough to look at him. I guess they decided to go ahead with it and I hardly remember it. I was told later that my husband and a nurse or maybe 2 nurses held me up, because I had fallen back to sleep.

I do not know what time it is at this point. But I think I slept for a few hours. I remember waking up and looking at the clock. It was 10 o'clock AM. I fell back to sleep.

A little while later, I woke up again. I felt like I was dreaming because I could not really see, and I was lightheaded. I could not see my husband. I could not see anyone around me. I started to fall back to sleep when I realized I felt a bubble in my private area. At first I thought it was gas, since I was basically numb. Then I realized what it really was. It was my baby's head!

Please come back tomorrow for the next excerpt of this story.

You can read the rest of the excerpts by clicking here.

The Day Her Heartbeat Was Silent

It was July 23, 2005. A Saturday. We woke up early in the morning. Blissfully unaware that our lives were about to change for the worst.

We had moved into our house just the week before. Now we lived close to the Farmer's Market that we love. We decided to go there, even though I am supposed to be on bedrest. We drove there even though it is close enough to walk. I remember telling my husband that I am looking forward to the next summer where we can walk to the Farmer's Market with the baby in a stroller. It was going to be so much fun.

As we wandered around the market, I found myself looking at a blanket with a teddy bear. We were already calling the baby "Babybear" since I found out I was pregnant. So I was looking at it and considering to buy it. The woman said to me that it can be personalized and I rubbed my belly and said I don't know if the baby's a girl or a boy yet. And I smiled. I didn't get the blanket.

We went home and I was sitting at the kitchen table eating fresh garden peas when the nurse came. This was only the second time this particular nurse had come to see me. I did not really like her very much. But I guess because we moved into the house, she was closer to the area than the other nurses.

We went back upstairs so I could lay on the bed while she checked my blood pressure. It was a bit high. Then she checked for baby's heartbeat....

Silence.....That's all we heard.....

I looked at my husband and he diverted his eyes from me. I think he knew.

Then the nurse looked at me and said, I think you should go to the hospital.

That's all she said to me. I rolled over and started to cry.

We went to the hospital and when we got there, they put us in a room and left us alone there for a very long time. It probably wasn't that long but it sure felt like it. I remember getting so upset and angry and I yelled out that someone better come in here and check my baby!

Finally, the obstetrician came in and hooked me up to a ultrasound monitor. He said no heart beat. Then he started going on about what our options were. We can induce right away or we can go home for the night and come back whenever we feel like it.

We chose to induce right away. Get it over with. But no one explained to me just how one was induced. I was laying on the table and shaking like a leaf. As I lay there, an intern or resident came over and started prying my legs apart. I freaked out. What is this guy whom I've never met before in my life doing? Why is he prying my legs apart? I was under the impression that I would either be given pills or an IV to induce labor.

The medical staff decide that I am not ready for inducing, so they sent me home. But we could not go home yet. I was out of blood pressure medication and my husband asked if I should still take it and they said yes. He told them that we were out of the one medication and they said we should get some then. So, on our way home we had to stop at the grocery store to get some more medication from the pharmacy.

I can't tell you how horrible it felt to be standing there and feeling like a human coffin. To make matters worse, the cash register at the pharmacy was broken down and we had to wait forever. I started crying but no one seemed to notice. Not even when I fell to the floor. They looked at me like I was a crazy lady, which I suppose I am. It's nearly impossible to be a sane person when your child has just died.

In the time since we found out I was pregnant, I had cut back on my biggest addiction, which is Cola. Also during this time, my husband cut back on his biggest addiction, which is potato chips. While we were at the store, he decided to buy a bunch of coke and potato chips. We went home and laid in our bed and ate and ate and ate until finally we fell asleep. Who knew you could sleep at a time like that? But we did.

There is no way of knowing exactly when my baby died. However, I have a feeling she died the afternoon of July 22nd. The only thing I know for sure is that she died within a 24 hr period from 11:30 AM July 22nd and 11:00 AM July 23. Therefore, I "celebrate" July 22nd as her angel day.

Come back tomorrow for the next excerpt of this story.

To read past excerpts, please click here.

The Day She Flew Away

It was July 22, 2005. A Friday. I had an appointment with the obstetrician at 11:30 AM. Being on bedrest, I had nurses coming to my house every day with exception of the days I had doctor's appointments. They came to check my blood pressure and the baby's heartrate. All week, my baby's heartbeat was relatively normal for her. The day of my obstetrician appointment, her heart was racing. I can't remember the number off hand but it was way higher than it had been. The obstetrician said there's nothing to worry about because it was still in the range of normal. I argued that it was not normal for my baby. My baby's heartrate is usually alot lower than that (but still in the normal range).

Well, I argued to no avail, and he sent us on our way. He did not schedule us another ultrasound, and he did not do any physical examination or do anything other than check the heartrate and my blood pressure.

We had to stop at the hospital to drop off my urine sample, and while I was there, I briefly had a thought that maybe we should go up to labor and delivery to see if they will check my baby. But I didn't want to end up in the hospital again. I really hated being in the hospital.

We came home and my husband left for work soon after that. It was very difficult being alone while on bedrest. We had no cable yet, but we had set up the internet just the day before. So, I spent the afternoon on the computer instead of laying down. I remember someone asking me if I wanted a boy or a girl, and I said I don't care, I just want my baby to be alive. I think my subconscious was aware of how bad things were, but I wasn't quite admitting it yet.

Something else happened around this time that I am not quite wanting to talk about right now because it still upsets me to the day. All I will say right now is that I became very upset and agitated and I am certain that because of this added stress, my daughter died.

My husband was late coming home from work, and this further upset me. It turned out he stopped to pick up a pizza on the way home. We ate the pizza on the bed so that I didn't have to go up and down the stairs. I remember that we tried to get the baby to kick for Daddy. Because she was very small, we didn't always feel her kicking, even when she was kicking alot. I remember feeling sad that she wasn't kicking. Little did I know....

To Be Continued tomorrow...


You can read the rest of Babybear's story here.

The Day Her Fate Was Sealed

Three years ago today, I went for an ultrasound at the hospital. I was almost 25 weeks pregnant.

This was the most active I have ever seen my baby. She blew kisses and waved and yawned and squirmed around a whole lot. I took this as a good sign. It showed that my baby was still growing and determined to survive the odds.

It was the first time my husband was able to clearly see her on the ultrasound screen. It was also the last time we would ever see her move.

The doctor came in and seemed very concerned. He told us that he thought that the baby should be taken out immediately, but he wanted to consult with the obstetrician, my family doctor, and I guess a couple other medical specialists. He left us alone in the room while he went to call them on the telephone.

I found myself focused on how much it was going to cost for the parkade. I don't know why I was so worked up about that. I think I didn't want to face the truth.

The doctor came back in and said to us that they have discussed it at length and they feel that the baby is not big enough to thrive outside the womb. They feel that if she was a little bigger she would be okay to come out. And so, they have decided that they will leave her in for now and check on her again in a while.

When I was in the hospital previously, I had been told that I would have an ultrasound every day or every second day once I became 25 weeks pregnant. That day, they scheduled my next ultrasound to be at 27 weeks. My daughter died a week later at almost 26 weeks gestation.

Had they taken her out that day, she might have survived. She might not have, but at least we would've had a chance to tell her how much we love her and to tell her her name.

Had they done regular ultrasounds after that point, they might have seen things getting worse, and took her out before it was too late.

I now have nightmares that my daughter was not blowing kisses or waving or having a grand ol' time in my belly. I now fear she knew what was going on and that she was screaming at us to let her out before it was too late. Logically, I know this isn't true but, as a bereaved mom, I can't help but think this. I couldn't protect my own child and that hurts. It hurts, it really hurts.

Here is a poem I wrote about the last ultrasound:

The last time
I saw your face
you blew me kisses
and waved good bye
but ignorant was I
I took it as a sign
that everything
would be alright
but I...
I was wrong
And now you're gone
©2005tla

A Family Photo

This photo was taken one week before we officially moved into our house, two weeks before my daughter died. We had taken over a few boxes and my husband mowed the lawn, which is why he is so sweaty in this photo. I am about 24 weeks pregnant here, even though you can't really tell.

You can see why we bought this house, with the park in the background. The water is all rainwater from the storms. There is a little creek there but it's usually dried up. Beyond that space is a ranch, and we can see the horses from our back yard. I'm pretty sure that our daughter chose this place, even though the house itself isn't much to look at.

If we had still been living in the apartment when she died, I truly don't think I would have ever left that apartment. Being in the house allowed me the opportunity to go outside without going anywhere, and I spent many evenings out looking at the sunset and taking photos. I haven't been doing that so much since we got Emma and since I started to notice the mosquitoes again. The first year, I was too numb to notice, I think. Or I didn't care.

While it's not a great photo, it's certainly one of my most prized possessions. I'm grateful to have it.

The Day We Celebrated Our Nation With A Big Kick

It was Canada Day, 2005. We were still living in the apartment even though we gained possession of our house that day. We were behind in packing due to my two week hospital stay and there was much to do before we moved.

Couldn't do a whole lot because I was on bedrest. I don't really remember much about how the day went. But I sure remember how it ended. With a big swift kick in the gut!

We lived close to where fireworks were going. We could almost see them from our window. We faced the river and we could see the occasional spark from our window but mostly in the reflections of the windows of other buildings. Above all, we could hear the fireworks.

I tried to see the fireworks but after a while I went to lay on the couch. As I was laying down, I felt a huge kick! It was such a hard kick that I almost fell over from the surprise of it. Up until then, I had felt flutters, and an odd kick, but nothing like that. I remember laughing with shear joy and amazement. This was the most incredible feeling I've ever had in my whole life! I had a baby in me!

I never felt another kick that strong again. I'll never forget the only Canada Day I celebrated with my beautiful babybear.

Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians!

The Day I Landed In The Hospital

Three years ago today, I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment. My husband was going to meet me there.

When we arrived, my doctor took my blood pressure and told me that she thought I should go to the emergency room to have them check my blood pressure there too because it seemed high to her.

This is the same doctor that has been telling me my blood pressure is on the high side for several years. More on this at a later date.

So, we went across the street to the hospital, and they made us wait for over 2 hours before they even came in the room to check on me. It was probably closer to 3 hours because of the time in the waiting room too.

By then I am tired, I'm hungry, my husband has called into work to say he is not coming to work. Finally, the doctor came in and was asking me why I am at this hospital, they don't deliver babies anymore, and I should go to the other hospital.

We go to the other hospital, and I am in their labor and delivery for, I don't even know how long. I just remember being very cranky and hungry and I had to pee. They kept telling me that I can't move while they are testing my blood pressure for over a period of 1 hour. But I said, I HAVE TO PEE, not going to the bathroom was making my blood boil even more.

Next thing I know, they are telling my husband they are going to keep me over night and they put me in a room for the night. Well, now I'm really upset but I'm too exhausted to complain too much. I think at this point I am still wearing my work clothes and they give me a gown for the night.

Next day, I ended up back in labor and delivery because my blood pressure went up again. And I was suffering severe migraines, which have plagued me for most of my recent years at this point. Really, my time line might be wrong, so forgive me. It is not a period of time that I am all that interested in thinking about, but it is part of my daughter's history, so I will endure.

My husband came to pick me up but they told him that I have to stay another night. He didn't bring me a change of clothes or anything, so I had to stay in the gown. It went on like this for 2 weeks, they kept saying you can go home tomorrow, and then my husband would come and not have anything for me. After the first week, he finally brought me some clean underwear and a toothbrush.

It was really difficult being in the hospital. I didn't know how long I was there for and when I would be able to go home. I had a roommate in the room who had a constant stream of people coming in and they were loud and filled the room up and I am uneasy in crowds of any kind. I felt claustrophobic.

I would wander the halls and they would ask me what's wrong but the only thing wrong was that I wanted to go home and I was bored to death. I have a hearing loss so I couldn't use the phone to talk to people, I couldn't rent a tv for my room because what would be the point because every day I thought I was going home the next day. That's what they told me, anyway.

My husband worked nights at the time, so his visiting time was limited. I had a couple of other visitors but no one stayed long and everyone thought I was leaving the next day so some of them didn't come.

Both of our families live at least three hours away. My mom and my brother did come one day but it was a difficult visit, and ended on a bad note with me being even more upset about being in the hospital. It all started because I couldn't understand why they wanted me to use a wheelchair to go to the cafeteria.

It was during this time at the hospital that I had another ultrasound and the doctor told me that there might be some troubles. In my understanding, it was "this could happen" but reality was that it was already happening. No one was clear to me that I was already suffering the effects of preeclampsia. They all told me that my baby will be born early. She was due in October, but they figured she would be born in August and maybe September.

At this time, I am 20 weeks pregnant and they tell me that when I am 25 weeks pregnant they will give me ultrasounds daily or every other day. And that when the baby was showing signs of trouble, they would take her out. I didn't know she was a girl at this point.

I was given several medications for my blood pressure. They kept telling me it was still too high to go home. I guess everyone was surprised that I had such high blood pressure and I was still conscious and not feeling the effects of it other than my headache and migraines. To me, that was normal. I have had those for as long as I could remember, and it had nothing to do with being pregnant.

When they finally let me go home, they told me to continue my bedrest at home and keep my feet up. I was like WHAT? No one told me that I was supposed to be laying down most of the time. Sitting up a bit too. No one told me this, and the whole time I was in the hospital I was wandering the halls and rarely laying down during the day. If I had known just how bad things were with my daughter, I would've stayed so still.

I only had 6 more weeks with my babybear. Oh how I wish things could've been different....

The Day I Fell In Love

A while ago, I told you about The Day My Dreams Came True... now, I'm going to tell you about The Day I Fell In Love.

Three years ago this week, I had the most amazing experience of seeing my unborn child on an ultrasound screen for the very first time.

I remember laying on the table while the ultrasound technician ran the wand over my belly and I was shaking because I was so excited and nervous and happy and omgthisishappeningtome!

When she finally turned the screen towards me so I could see, I burst out crying! I was so happy and I could not believe that this little baby was inside of me. ME! I never thought something so wonderful could happen to someone like me.

The surprising news was that I was already 18 weeks pregnant. I was shocked! Though, looking back, I think I knew all along, I just didn't think it could really be possible. I had always had a gut feeling that I would not be mommy. I just thought that meant I would never conceive. Would that have been easier? I'll never know.

The love I felt for this baby was instant. In fact, I loved this baby my whole life, even before she was conceived and I will love her for as long as I live. I can't wait to see her again in heaven.

Thank You

Just a quick bloggy note to thank all of you for your comments on my post about the day my dreams came true. It means so much that there are so many understanding individuals out there. Some of you I know because you are angel mommies too, and while I wish the circumstances were different, I'm glad to know you. Some of you are not angel mommies, and yet, you do your best to understand and for that I am thankful. Over the next few months, I may speak of my daughter on a more frequent basis, for this is the time of year where I relive my memories of her short life, and our forever bond.

The Day My Dreams Came True

Three years ago today, my dream officially came true. After a few weeks of debating whether I really could be or not, I finally took a home pregnancy test. It came back POSITIVE. Oh, the joy, I tell you, I was so excited! I screamed and I cried, and I smiled so much that my face hurt. I thanked the Lord and I finally knew why I was here on Earth. To be a MOM.

My husband was at work, so, I anxiously awaited for him to come home. When he came in the door, I presented him with a box wrapped in yellow tissue paper. Inside that box was the pregnancy test and a note that said "Hi Daddy! I love you! Love, Babybear" He looked at it, and upon realization of it's meaning, he broke out into the biggest smile I ever saw, and I managed to capture it on film.

Two and a half months later, at 26 weeks gestation, our dream was taken away from us.

But today, I am going to focus on what was the happiest day of my life. The day I found out I was going to be somebody's mommy. I will never forget that day. I will never forget how wonderful it felt to be so happy, to love so much.

I love you, Babybear.