The Day Her Heartbeat Was Silent

It was July 23, 2005. A Saturday. We woke up early in the morning. Blissfully unaware that our lives were about to change for the worst.

We had moved into our house just the week before. Now we lived close to the Farmer's Market that we love. We decided to go there, even though I am supposed to be on bedrest. We drove there even though it is close enough to walk. I remember telling my husband that I am looking forward to the next summer where we can walk to the Farmer's Market with the baby in a stroller. It was going to be so much fun.

As we wandered around the market, I found myself looking at a blanket with a teddy bear. We were already calling the baby "Babybear" since I found out I was pregnant. So I was looking at it and considering to buy it. The woman said to me that it can be personalized and I rubbed my belly and said I don't know if the baby's a girl or a boy yet. And I smiled. I didn't get the blanket.

We went home and I was sitting at the kitchen table eating fresh garden peas when the nurse came. This was only the second time this particular nurse had come to see me. I did not really like her very much. But I guess because we moved into the house, she was closer to the area than the other nurses.

We went back upstairs so I could lay on the bed while she checked my blood pressure. It was a bit high. Then she checked for baby's heartbeat....

Silence.....That's all we heard.....

I looked at my husband and he diverted his eyes from me. I think he knew.

Then the nurse looked at me and said, I think you should go to the hospital.

That's all she said to me. I rolled over and started to cry.

We went to the hospital and when we got there, they put us in a room and left us alone there for a very long time. It probably wasn't that long but it sure felt like it. I remember getting so upset and angry and I yelled out that someone better come in here and check my baby!

Finally, the obstetrician came in and hooked me up to a ultrasound monitor. He said no heart beat. Then he started going on about what our options were. We can induce right away or we can go home for the night and come back whenever we feel like it.

We chose to induce right away. Get it over with. But no one explained to me just how one was induced. I was laying on the table and shaking like a leaf. As I lay there, an intern or resident came over and started prying my legs apart. I freaked out. What is this guy whom I've never met before in my life doing? Why is he prying my legs apart? I was under the impression that I would either be given pills or an IV to induce labor.

The medical staff decide that I am not ready for inducing, so they sent me home. But we could not go home yet. I was out of blood pressure medication and my husband asked if I should still take it and they said yes. He told them that we were out of the one medication and they said we should get some then. So, on our way home we had to stop at the grocery store to get some more medication from the pharmacy.

I can't tell you how horrible it felt to be standing there and feeling like a human coffin. To make matters worse, the cash register at the pharmacy was broken down and we had to wait forever. I started crying but no one seemed to notice. Not even when I fell to the floor. They looked at me like I was a crazy lady, which I suppose I am. It's nearly impossible to be a sane person when your child has just died.

In the time since we found out I was pregnant, I had cut back on my biggest addiction, which is Cola. Also during this time, my husband cut back on his biggest addiction, which is potato chips. While we were at the store, he decided to buy a bunch of coke and potato chips. We went home and laid in our bed and ate and ate and ate until finally we fell asleep. Who knew you could sleep at a time like that? But we did.

There is no way of knowing exactly when my baby died. However, I have a feeling she died the afternoon of July 22nd. The only thing I know for sure is that she died within a 24 hr period from 11:30 AM July 22nd and 11:00 AM July 23. Therefore, I "celebrate" July 22nd as her angel day.

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