This Blog Has Moved!

I moved my blog on New Years Day, 2010. If you haven't come to see my new blog, head on over HERE now. This blog will be available for archive reading but I won't be posting here anymore. I hope you'll join me at my new bloggy home!

p.s. I am slowly but surely moving all the blogs I follow over to the new blog, so if I haven't come to visit you for a while, my advice is to leave a comment on my new blog, so I don't miss you in the shuffle!

About Me

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I am a bereaved mother and wife. I began this blog to help me look for the "good things" in life after my daughter, "Babybear", died in July 2005. Three years later, her daddy, my husband, "Bear", died in November 2008. (You'll find a link to their stories on my blog) And now, as difficult as it is, I continue to look for the good things in my life as I learn my new normal with my pup, "Furrybear", at my side. And the angels on my shoulder...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Day Her Heartbeat Was Silent

It was July 23, 2005. A Saturday. We woke up early in the morning. Blissfully unaware that our lives were about to change for the worst.

We had moved into our house just the week before. Now we lived close to the Farmer's Market that we love. We decided to go there, even though I am supposed to be on bedrest. We drove there even though it is close enough to walk. I remember telling my husband that I am looking forward to the next summer where we can walk to the Farmer's Market with the baby in a stroller. It was going to be so much fun.

As we wandered around the market, I found myself looking at a blanket with a teddy bear. We were already calling the baby "Babybear" since I found out I was pregnant. So I was looking at it and considering to buy it. The woman said to me that it can be personalized and I rubbed my belly and said I don't know if the baby's a girl or a boy yet. And I smiled. I didn't get the blanket.

We went home and I was sitting at the kitchen table eating fresh garden peas when the nurse came. This was only the second time this particular nurse had come to see me. I did not really like her very much. But I guess because we moved into the house, she was closer to the area than the other nurses.

We went back upstairs so I could lay on the bed while she checked my blood pressure. It was a bit high. Then she checked for baby's heartbeat....

Silence.....That's all we heard.....

I looked at my husband and he diverted his eyes from me. I think he knew.

Then the nurse looked at me and said, I think you should go to the hospital.

That's all she said to me. I rolled over and started to cry.

We went to the hospital and when we got there, they put us in a room and left us alone there for a very long time. It probably wasn't that long but it sure felt like it. I remember getting so upset and angry and I yelled out that someone better come in here and check my baby!

Finally, the obstetrician came in and hooked me up to a ultrasound monitor. He said no heart beat. Then he started going on about what our options were. We can induce right away or we can go home for the night and come back whenever we feel like it.

We chose to induce right away. Get it over with. But no one explained to me just how one was induced. I was laying on the table and shaking like a leaf. As I lay there, an intern or resident came over and started prying my legs apart. I freaked out. What is this guy whom I've never met before in my life doing? Why is he prying my legs apart? I was under the impression that I would either be given pills or an IV to induce labor.

The medical staff decide that I am not ready for inducing, so they sent me home. But we could not go home yet. I was out of blood pressure medication and my husband asked if I should still take it and they said yes. He told them that we were out of the one medication and they said we should get some then. So, on our way home we had to stop at the grocery store to get some more medication from the pharmacy.

I can't tell you how horrible it felt to be standing there and feeling like a human coffin. To make matters worse, the cash register at the pharmacy was broken down and we had to wait forever. I started crying but no one seemed to notice. Not even when I fell to the floor. They looked at me like I was a crazy lady, which I suppose I am. It's nearly impossible to be a sane person when your child has just died.

In the time since we found out I was pregnant, I had cut back on my biggest addiction, which is Cola. Also during this time, my husband cut back on his biggest addiction, which is potato chips. While we were at the store, he decided to buy a bunch of coke and potato chips. We went home and laid in our bed and ate and ate and ate until finally we fell asleep. Who knew you could sleep at a time like that? But we did.

There is no way of knowing exactly when my baby died. However, I have a feeling she died the afternoon of July 22nd. The only thing I know for sure is that she died within a 24 hr period from 11:30 AM July 22nd and 11:00 AM July 23. Therefore, I "celebrate" July 22nd as her angel day.

Come back tomorrow for the next excerpt of this story.

To read past excerpts, please click here.

6 comments:

Jo said...

Hugs and tears.

Sarah C. said...

I don't have words, Ter. Just wanted to let you know I am reading and thinking of you. ((HUGS))

Teri said...

Thank you for sharing your painful story. I can't imagine how incredibly difficult this must be/have been for you. (((HUGS)))

Denise said...

Terri,

Tears and BIG BIG HUGS

Joc(e) said...

So sad and unfair :-( I know what you mean about eating and drinking and sleeping...I remember after Michelle died feeling like it was really weird that I was eating in restaurants and drinking Coke again but that's just the way it was. And all that shock and despair is exhausting.

(((BIG, BIG HUGS)))

Equidae said...

here i am with my 4 month old sleeping on me and tears in my eyes...so so sorry...i am so blessed and you know i kinda feel guilty that i am..hugs