This Blog Has Moved!

I moved my blog on New Years Day, 2010. If you haven't come to see my new blog, head on over HERE now. This blog will be available for archive reading but I won't be posting here anymore. I hope you'll join me at my new bloggy home!

p.s. I am slowly but surely moving all the blogs I follow over to the new blog, so if I haven't come to visit you for a while, my advice is to leave a comment on my new blog, so I don't miss you in the shuffle!

About Me

My photo
I am a bereaved mother and wife. I began this blog to help me look for the "good things" in life after my daughter, "Babybear", died in July 2005. Three years later, her daddy, my husband, "Bear", died in November 2008. (You'll find a link to their stories on my blog) And now, as difficult as it is, I continue to look for the good things in my life as I learn my new normal with my pup, "Furrybear", at my side. And the angels on my shoulder...

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Day We Said Hello.... And Goodbye

Once I realized that it was indeed not a gas bubble I was feeling, I reached over for the buzzer to call the nurse. Because I was in a dream like state, I did not even notice that the nurse had been sitting beside me. She came up to me and I told her I thought something was happening. She took a peek and the next thing I know a rush of people came running into the room.

My husband had been napping on the cot on the other side of the room. That is why I could not see him at first. He was woken up by all the commotion and I remember seeing him out of the corner of my eye and he looked very confused and scared.

I remember someone pulling my legs up and I remember being told to push. There was a mirror above the bed and I remember seeing myself as if I was floating above. It was all surreal. After a push or two, I saw something flying out of me. It was dark and small. It landed on the bed. I then noticed the doctor and nurses surrounding this small dark thing that came out of me and it took a moment before I realized that it was my baby that I had seen. I could not understand why no one caught the baby when she came out. Why did they let her plop on the bed?

I remember as they were doing whatever they were doing at that point, my husband turns to me and signs "girl". He never remembers signs, but he remembered that one. I think finding out it was a girl made it that much more difficult to deal with. I have always wanted a daughter, but growing up in a family of boys, I thought it would be unlikely.

They took my baby away to clean her up and take photos. I don't know how long they were gone. They come back with the baby wrapped in pink blanket in a basket. The nurse asks me if I want to see the baby. She warns me that she does not look like what you would expect from a full term baby since my baby is only 26 weeks gestation. She warns me that the baby has a ridge on her head and that she is dark from pools of blood and has some scaring from birth.

I remember looking at this bundle of pink blankets and I remember thinking that I will take a quick peek. I look over and the nurse unwraps her just a little bit. I remember looking and immediately wanting to hold her. The nurse placed her in my arms and I cried. I cried and I cried. I remember telling her I'm sorry. I don't remember much else after this point. I remember the nurse left the room for a while and when she came back, I handed my baby over to her, not knowing what I was supposed to do. Not knowing I could hold her longer. She ended up sitting in that basket for a long time after that. I kept asking my husband, can I hold her again? But when the nurses came in the room I could not summon the words to come out of my mouth. My husband couldn't either.

I also could not form the words to tell them that I had a camera in my purse. And two rolls of film.

Later, the pastor came in the room to say a prayer for my daughter. She hands me back my daughter and I am so relieved to hold her again. She takes a photo with a Polaroid camera and asks if I want more photos. I thought I would look so sad and that the Polaroid picture would be of poor quality. Also, I felt like I was a burden, so I said no, that's alright. Little did I know that the Polaroid picture would turn out to be the best photo quality wise.

I do not remember anything after that. I do not remember when they took my baby away after that. I do not remember if she was still in the room when they sent us home. I do not remember if I said good bye. I do not remember if I told her that I love her. I do not remember anything except the nurse bringing me her clothes and blanket and a little box. I remember struggling to get up and I remember walking very slowly to the elevator. The nurse that led me out was the one we liked the least, and I remember that she basically just rushed us out. I remember looking at my husband holding the box and blanket and I remember thinking it looked like a little coffin. I remember having to walk through the main floor of the hospital to the doors. I remember having to step out the doors where all the smokers were standing near by, despite the law that says you can not smoke within 10 feet of the door. I remember being very upset that pregnant women were standing out there smoking. I remember slowly making our way across the street to the parkade. I remember finally finding our car and I remember being very upset that we were leaving without our baby.

I remember that the doctor gave us another prescription to fill and I remember that we didn't know if my husband could fill it without me there. So we went into the drugstore to fill it and I remember the pharmacist was pregnant. I remember sitting there and crying. I will never understand why the hospital can't give you a few days worth of medication in situations like this.

I remember finally going home and knowing that my heart was forever broken.

My daughter was born on earth at 11:14 AM July 25, 2005. She weighed 1 lb. and was 14 inches long. I will never forget her. I will always love her. I look forward to the day I see her again.

You can see the rest of the excerpts here.

11 comments:

Denise said...

Happy 3rd Birthday Tyla. May our angels be celebrating her birthday together today.

Sarah C. said...

Happy birthday to your sweet little girl.

Ter, sending hugs & prayers.

Amber said...

Happy Birthday to your angel daughter.

Jo said...

Happy Birthday, Tyla!

Big Hugs Ter and B!

May today be gentle, and I hope people surprise you and come to Tyla's bbq.

Totallyscrappy said...

I remember holding my baby (miscarriage at 17 weeks) and just thinking how incredible he was. He looked JUST like they said a baby of that age would look. Then I realized (once again) just how awesome our God is. He could whip babies up the night before they are born, but He doesn't. He puts them together a little at a time. He takes His time and works out so many tiny details that are usually never seen... teeny tiny finger buds, delicate ribs, thin veins, large eyes for such a small head...
Perhaps my Daniel is at your little girl's birthday party in Heaven today. :)

Dawn said...

You told your story beautifully. I wish your daughter a happy birthday. What a lucky baby to have you for a mom.

Joc(e) said...

Wow...I can relate to so much of what you said in this post. Not remembering things, not knowing what to do, telling your baby how sorry you are for not being able to save them. *tears* Thank you for sharing your story about your dear, sweet Tyla. She has touched my life, and many others. (((HUGS)))

SuperCoolMom said...

Oh Ter, I'm not sure if I could be as strong as you. This could so easily have been me with my last baby. We hadn't felt many kicks for about three weeks. Then none for a day. I went in and everything seemed fine at first, then her heart stopped while I was on the monitor - thank goodness, or they might have sent us home and we'd have a completely different outcome.(6 weeks early). They rushed me in and delivered her. It was 2 1/2 minutes from the time the Dr. said "Let's run!" until they had her out (4 lbs, 8 oz). She was in the hospital for nearly a month. She gave us some scares in the NICU too. Now she is the most stubborn little lady, and I have to remind myself and her how grateful I am for her tenacity and determination ;D

Big HUGS for you. Families are forever. I know you will be with Babybear and her daddy again.

Jeanne said...

Ter,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Sharing your story is helping many others. The feelings you described are very sad and women who have been through similar experiences will get comfort from reading your story and knowing they are not alone.

You are a strong, brave woman.

I am sending positive thoughts of peace your way!

Jeanne

Heather said...

I could only read half of this, I'm sorry. Your story is too much like my own, it's all still too fresh for me. I did want to say that I had a hard time whith why no one caught my son when he was born. Why did they let him flop out onto the bed too? It makes things seem even more traumatic. I also thought my box looked like a coffin, and I also don't remember telling my son that I loved him. I'm so sorry for you.

Annie@A View On Design said...

ter, I just read this post, and I cried, you wrote it so lovingly... I thank god everyday that I have never had to go through this but I know it is not uncommon... I'm so grateful, I truly don't know how I'd cope. You are so kind to share your story, I do hope things get better for you more and more... happy birthday to your little babybear

xx