The Day We Said Hello.... And Goodbye

Once I realized that it was indeed not a gas bubble I was feeling, I reached over for the buzzer to call the nurse. Because I was in a dream like state, I did not even notice that the nurse had been sitting beside me. She came up to me and I told her I thought something was happening. She took a peek and the next thing I know a rush of people came running into the room.

My husband had been napping on the cot on the other side of the room. That is why I could not see him at first. He was woken up by all the commotion and I remember seeing him out of the corner of my eye and he looked very confused and scared.

I remember someone pulling my legs up and I remember being told to push. There was a mirror above the bed and I remember seeing myself as if I was floating above. It was all surreal. After a push or two, I saw something flying out of me. It was dark and small. It landed on the bed. I then noticed the doctor and nurses surrounding this small dark thing that came out of me and it took a moment before I realized that it was my baby that I had seen. I could not understand why no one caught the baby when she came out. Why did they let her plop on the bed?

I remember as they were doing whatever they were doing at that point, my husband turns to me and signs "girl". He never remembers signs, but he remembered that one. I think finding out it was a girl made it that much more difficult to deal with. I have always wanted a daughter, but growing up in a family of boys, I thought it would be unlikely.

They took my baby away to clean her up and take photos. I don't know how long they were gone. They come back with the baby wrapped in pink blanket in a basket. The nurse asks me if I want to see the baby. She warns me that she does not look like what you would expect from a full term baby since my baby is only 26 weeks gestation. She warns me that the baby has a ridge on her head and that she is dark from pools of blood and has some scaring from birth.

I remember looking at this bundle of pink blankets and I remember thinking that I will take a quick peek. I look over and the nurse unwraps her just a little bit. I remember looking and immediately wanting to hold her. The nurse placed her in my arms and I cried. I cried and I cried. I remember telling her I'm sorry. I don't remember much else after this point. I remember the nurse left the room for a while and when she came back, I handed my baby over to her, not knowing what I was supposed to do. Not knowing I could hold her longer. She ended up sitting in that basket for a long time after that. I kept asking my husband, can I hold her again? But when the nurses came in the room I could not summon the words to come out of my mouth. My husband couldn't either.

I also could not form the words to tell them that I had a camera in my purse. And two rolls of film.

Later, the pastor came in the room to say a prayer for my daughter. She hands me back my daughter and I am so relieved to hold her again. She takes a photo with a Polaroid camera and asks if I want more photos. I thought I would look so sad and that the Polaroid picture would be of poor quality. Also, I felt like I was a burden, so I said no, that's alright. Little did I know that the Polaroid picture would turn out to be the best photo quality wise.

I do not remember anything after that. I do not remember when they took my baby away after that. I do not remember if she was still in the room when they sent us home. I do not remember if I said good bye. I do not remember if I told her that I love her. I do not remember anything except the nurse bringing me her clothes and blanket and a little box. I remember struggling to get up and I remember walking very slowly to the elevator. The nurse that led me out was the one we liked the least, and I remember that she basically just rushed us out. I remember looking at my husband holding the box and blanket and I remember thinking it looked like a little coffin. I remember having to walk through the main floor of the hospital to the doors. I remember having to step out the doors where all the smokers were standing near by, despite the law that says you can not smoke within 10 feet of the door. I remember being very upset that pregnant women were standing out there smoking. I remember slowly making our way across the street to the parkade. I remember finally finding our car and I remember being very upset that we were leaving without our baby.

I remember that the doctor gave us another prescription to fill and I remember that we didn't know if my husband could fill it without me there. So we went into the drugstore to fill it and I remember the pharmacist was pregnant. I remember sitting there and crying. I will never understand why the hospital can't give you a few days worth of medication in situations like this.

I remember finally going home and knowing that my heart was forever broken.

My daughter was born on earth at 11:14 AM July 25, 2005. She weighed 1 lb. and was 14 inches long. I will never forget her. I will always love her. I look forward to the day I see her again.

You can see the rest of the excerpts here.