Three years ago today, I went for an ultrasound at the hospital. I was almost 25 weeks pregnant.
This was the most active I have ever seen my baby. She blew kisses and waved and yawned and squirmed around a whole lot. I took this as a good sign. It showed that my baby was still growing and determined to survive the odds.
It was the first time my husband was able to clearly see her on the ultrasound screen. It was also the last time we would ever see her move.
The doctor came in and seemed very concerned. He told us that he thought that the baby should be taken out immediately, but he wanted to consult with the obstetrician, my family doctor, and I guess a couple other medical specialists. He left us alone in the room while he went to call them on the telephone.
I found myself focused on how much it was going to cost for the parkade. I don't know why I was so worked up about that. I think I didn't want to face the truth.
The doctor came back in and said to us that they have discussed it at length and they feel that the baby is not big enough to thrive outside the womb. They feel that if she was a little bigger she would be okay to come out. And so, they have decided that they will leave her in for now and check on her again in a while.
When I was in the hospital previously, I had been told that I would have an ultrasound every day or every second day once I became 25 weeks pregnant. That day, they scheduled my next ultrasound to be at 27 weeks. My daughter died a week later at almost 26 weeks gestation.
Had they taken her out that day, she might have survived. She might not have, but at least we would've had a chance to tell her how much we love her and to tell her her name.
Had they done regular ultrasounds after that point, they might have seen things getting worse, and took her out before it was too late.
I now have nightmares that my daughter was not blowing kisses or waving or having a grand ol' time in my belly. I now fear she knew what was going on and that she was screaming at us to let her out before it was too late. Logically, I know this isn't true but, as a bereaved mom, I can't help but think this. I couldn't protect my own child and that hurts. It hurts, it really hurts.
Here is a poem I wrote about the last ultrasound:
The last time
I saw your face
you blew me kisses
and waved good bye
but ignorant was I
I took it as a sign
that everything
would be alright
but I...
I was wrong
And now you're gone
©2005tla
About Me
- Ter
- I am a bereaved mother and wife. I began this blog to help me look for the "good things" in life after my daughter, "Babybear", died in July 2005. Three years later, her daddy, my husband, "Bear", died in November 2008. (You'll find a link to their stories on my blog) And now, as difficult as it is, I continue to look for the good things in my life as I learn my new normal with my pup, "Furrybear", at my side. And the angels on my shoulder...
Monday, July 14, 2008
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12 comments:
or she was letting you know that no matter what everything would be okay.
I think she was saying she loved you and would be waiting for you in a far greater place. You did everything right. And your sweet little girl knows that and how very, very much you love her. ((HUGS))
*tears* Ter!
Perhaps Tyla knew she wasn't going to survive...but she wasn't screaming to be let out... she was telling you how much she loved you and waving bye bye. She wanted your last memory of her alive to be a happy one, so she had her own little PAR-TAY :)
Big Hugs Ter... I know this is a difficult time. I know you'll be thinkig of Tyla every moment. Just remember she loves you and is thrilled to have you as her Mommy.
Oh, Ter. I am so sorry. It is hard to look back and play the "what-if?" game. You did the best you could with the information and advice you had at the time.
When these anniversaries occur, it is nearly impossible to not look back with regret.
Terri,
I know exactly how you feel. I think that there was more that I could have done if I just thought of it then and mentioned it to the dr. I have come to realize that everything does happen in life for a reason no matter how fair or unfair it is. Thinking of you and babybear.
I think we all have regrets or what ifs that haunt us but I try to tell myself that I did what I thought was best at the time. I don't want to get too religious but I sometimes think those dark places we go are where evil forces want us to go. Tyla knows you did everything you possibly could for her.
I think our babies knew their fate before they came. I think they knew that they would be with us for just a short time, but I know Tyla was so loved during that time she was with you. I also know you still love her. She knows too.
I have to agree with the others...Tyla knew how much her mommy and daddy loved her and she knew you did what you thought was best at the time. And you have done so much since she died to preserve and honor her memory. You are a very special mommy! (((hugs)))
I know this is an old post, but I'm reading it for the very first time. We too have lost both babies and grandbabies...so in part I feel with you. All I can say is that they are being cared for by someone who loves them more than we could ever imagine...their creator...and they're happy! Hold onto that in these sad times.
Oh, how this breaks my heart. That "what if" is perhaps the worst thing ever in life.
Know that someone "feels" with you down in Georgia.
Im so incredibly sorry for everything you have gone through. I am trying to catch up on everything you have blogged about. I dont know why God chose you to have to go through all this, but I can assure you it is not without reason.
I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Tyla, but I am glad that you got to see her so alive and (I do believe) happy as can be. Why did they change their mind about the every second day ultrasounds? I wish that they hadn't.
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