This Blog Has Moved!

I moved my blog on New Years Day, 2010. If you haven't come to see my new blog, head on over HERE now. This blog will be available for archive reading but I won't be posting here anymore. I hope you'll join me at my new bloggy home!

p.s. I am slowly but surely moving all the blogs I follow over to the new blog, so if I haven't come to visit you for a while, my advice is to leave a comment on my new blog, so I don't miss you in the shuffle!

About Me

My photo
I am a bereaved mother and wife. I began this blog to help me look for the "good things" in life after my daughter, "Babybear", died in July 2005. Three years later, her daddy, my husband, "Bear", died in November 2008. (You'll find a link to their stories on my blog) And now, as difficult as it is, I continue to look for the good things in my life as I learn my new normal with my pup, "Furrybear", at my side. And the angels on my shoulder...

Sunday, March 29, 2009

You Wanted To Know.... Part 1

Note: I was going to put all the questions here and answer them, but then the very first question lead to a very long answer, so I'll post the questions in a series of posts over the next little while.

Thank you everyone for your questions, and I hope I do justice in answering them.

Kristina P. asked:

How did you cope with the loss of your sweet husband and daughter? Did you go to therapy? Surround yourself with loved ones? Stay busy?

When I lost my daughter, I still had my husband and was able to lean on him for support. At the beginning, there was alot of numbness, alot of tears. I got through the first few months simply because my husband made me. I would have stayed in bed if it had not been for him. I remember the day after she was born still, our 2nd anniversary if you can believe it, my husband made me come downstairs for supper. He had barbequed a nice meal for us. He took good care of me, and put up with so much, despite his own grief being just as terrible. The difference was that he had to take care of me, because I couldn't take care of myself.

Besides being in emotional pain, I was also in physical pain from giving birth. (such an ironic word to use when your child has already died) He had to help me move around the house. He helped me go to the bathroom. He helped me roll over in bed at night because the pain was tremendous. I was basically useless, and in all honesty, I couldn't even muster the strength to TRY.

Eventually, I came across a wonderful, wonderful website where I met many other women who have also lost their babies. I consider some of these women to be my closest friends now even though they do not live near by and most of them I have not yet met in person. If you are a bereaved mom who has lost an infant, I urge you to check out the SHARE website. I also became involved with the local TCF (The Compassionate Friends) chapter, and went to monthly meetings for a while.

This helped take some of the pressure off my husband because I had someone else to talk to. Someone who understood. So, as time went on, I was able to talk about other things, not just my little girl. It wasn't easy, but I survived, one day at a time.

I am ever so grateful for all my husband did for me. I did not deserve him, and I miss him very much.

Having lost my husband has been so difficult. I do not have him to lean on. Again, I would stay in bed forever if I could, but my pup forces me to get up. I can't just let her pee on the floor, can I? The first week or two I had people coming and going, especially with all the funeral preparations that had to be made. However, everyone had to go back to their own lives, and since many of them live in other cities and towns, I do not see much of my family. However, once again, I can credit some of my sanity to my SHARE mommies (though I do not visit the site much anymore, I have kept in touch with many of the moms of my era) and of course to my fellow bloggers.

It will take a very long time for me to get to any so-called normal state again. I still haven't gone back to work. I quit my job when my husband was told that he was not going to make it. I don't have a job to go back to (though, if I wanted it, I'm sure I could, but I don't want it. I did not even like my job while I was there). I still spend most of my day on the couch, watching tv, reading blogs. My house is a mess and I cry every day. Some days, I sleep practically all day. I do what I can when I can, I do what I must when I must. I don't do any more than I need to... but that's okay... right now, that's what I need.

I am still trying to figure out where to go from here. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. I do not post alot about it on this blog because I still try to focus on this being my "positive" blog. Not because I want people to think I'm all happy or anything, but because *I* need it. I need to see that there are still some positives in life, and particularly my own. I still post updates on our cancer blog and that's where most of my negative posts go right now. You're welcome to check out those posts if you wish.

Thank you again Kristina, for your questions. I hope I was able to give you a little insight.

Related Questions

YaYa asked:

What is your biggest piece of advice for a bereaved wife?

At this point, I don't really have an answer for this. I am still learning the ropes. My guess is that it is not much different than what I would say for another bereaved mom. One Day At A Time. (really that should be One Moment At A Time) .

BlueViolet asked:
When you think of your future, what do you see?

At this point, the only thing I am certain about in my future is that I will someday be reunited with Bear and Babybear. I just live every day knowing I'm a little closer to that reunion.

Thank you for your questions, YaYa and BlueViolet.

**************

If your question wasn't answered here, don't you worry, I will get to your question very shortly.

18 comments:

Yaya said...

Infinite (((Hugs))) for you Ter.

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Ter, in this life you have been given so many challenges that many of us have not experienced. Your inner strength is evident. Continue to share the good and the difficult with us. We are here...

My prayers are with you each day.

April said...

Sending you hugs and blessings! Thank you for sharing your heart!

Vickie said...

You are in my thoughts and hope that life is kinder to you in the future.

Tight {{Hugs}}

Anjeny said...

Ter....I don't know what to say. I feel for you and I want you to know that I admire you for all you're doing to stay on top of your grief. It is very courageous of you to share this part of your life with us, it has helped me know you a little more. I admit, I was a bit curious about you manage to go day to day with your life having such a great loss but I just didn't have the nerve to ask, I didn't want to pry.

Hugs and kisses Ter...I feel very fortunate to have met you, virtually, and hopefully I might get to meet you in person.

*Just Jen* said...

Ter, what a great post!! I commend you for answering everone's questions, I know it must be hard. *HUGZ*

Monica said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. Wish I could give you a big hug.

kel said...

Although they were heartbreaking, I like reading your responses. Its hard to even imagine going through the heart ache you have.

Ali said...

Sending many virtual hugs your way! Thank you for sharing this, it cant be easy! I still haven't posted about losing my mom yet... I am praying that you continue to gather strength and am so glad you have Emma! Our animal friends can make a bigger impact in our lives than a lot of people realize. =)

lisaschaos said...

I can only imagine all the pain you feel daily. We have a very good friend who lost his wife in October and the grief is still fresh. Cancer took her, and I am a cancer survivor and well, I fear for my husband if I go first, which will most likely happen. You're not alone, although lonely at times I'm sure. *hugs*

Teri said...

(((HUGS TO YOU)))) - your words are straight from the heart & make me see how incredibly strong you are, even though I know you don't think so.

pam said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you can find comfort in these typed words that we are here for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

xox

blueviolet said...

I think that right now for you to do just what has to be done is enough. When you're ready for more, it will happen. One day at a time, one hour, one minute. (hugs)

Jenners said...

I'm sending you tons of hugs and well wishes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences so honestly ... I hope you find it therapeutic in some way. I'm sure many find solace here at your site and in your postings. Thank you for sharing, and keep on keeping on...you are doing great considering what you have been through. Just the fact that you can find positives is a good thing, I think.

Ronnica said...

I know this isn't something fun to talk about, but thanks for sharing and helping us to understand better.

(((HUG)))

Kristina P. said...

I'm so glad you mentioned this post. I wouldn't have seen it.

Thank you so much for your respone. I actually went to therapy to deal with an anxiety issue about losing my husband, so it was helpful to read this.

Sarah C. said...

Ter, ((HUGS)) I can't begin to imagine and wish I was close enough to drop by for lunch or just to give you a real hug. You are right - you will be reunited with Bear & Babybear some day. So glad you have Emma with you right now. Perhaps this was the reason she came into your life. Hang in there, my friend.

Melissa said...

You are one amazing and strong woman to survive the loss of first your daughter and then your husband! I'm so sorry to hear what you've had to go through! I just came across your blog today and my heart is breaking for you.