Note: I was going to put all the questions here and answer them, but then the very first question lead to a very long answer, so I'll post the questions in a series of posts over the next little while.
Thank you everyone for your questions, and I hope I do justice in answering them.
Kristina P. asked:
How did you cope with the loss of your sweet husband and daughter? Did you go to therapy? Surround yourself with loved ones? Stay busy?
When I lost my daughter, I still had my husband and was able to lean on him for support. At the beginning, there was alot of numbness, alot of tears. I got through the first few months simply because my husband made me. I would have stayed in bed if it had not been for him. I remember the day after she was born still, our 2nd anniversary if you can believe it, my husband made me come downstairs for supper. He had barbequed a nice meal for us. He took good care of me, and put up with so much, despite his own grief being just as terrible. The difference was that he had to take care of me, because I couldn't take care of myself.
Besides being in emotional pain, I was also in physical pain from giving birth. (such an ironic word to use when your child has already died) He had to help me move around the house. He helped me go to the bathroom. He helped me roll over in bed at night because the pain was tremendous. I was basically useless, and in all honesty, I couldn't even muster the strength to TRY.
Eventually, I came across a wonderful, wonderful website where I met many other women who have also lost their babies. I consider some of these women to be my closest friends now even though they do not live near by and most of them I have not yet met in person. If you are a bereaved mom who has lost an infant, I urge you to check out the SHARE website. I also became involved with the local TCF (The Compassionate Friends) chapter, and went to monthly meetings for a while.
This helped take some of the pressure off my husband because I had someone else to talk to. Someone who understood. So, as time went on, I was able to talk about other things, not just my little girl. It wasn't easy, but I survived, one day at a time.
I am ever so grateful for all my husband did for me. I did not deserve him, and I miss him very much.
Having lost my husband has been so difficult. I do not have him to lean on. Again, I would stay in bed forever if I could, but my pup forces me to get up. I can't just let her pee on the floor, can I? The first week or two I had people coming and going, especially with all the funeral preparations that had to be made. However, everyone had to go back to their own lives, and since many of them live in other cities and towns, I do not see much of my family. However, once again, I can credit some of my sanity to my SHARE mommies (though I do not visit the site much anymore, I have kept in touch with many of the moms of my era) and of course to my fellow bloggers.
It will take a very long time for me to get to any so-called normal state again. I still haven't gone back to work. I quit my job when my husband was told that he was not going to make it. I don't have a job to go back to (though, if I wanted it, I'm sure I could, but I don't want it. I did not even like my job while I was there). I still spend most of my day on the couch, watching tv, reading blogs. My house is a mess and I cry every day. Some days, I sleep practically all day. I do what I can when I can, I do what I must when I must. I don't do any more than I need to... but that's okay... right now, that's what I need.
I am still trying to figure out where to go from here. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. I do not post alot about it on this blog because I still try to focus on this being my "positive" blog. Not because I want people to think I'm all happy or anything, but because *I* need it. I need to see that there are still some positives in life, and particularly my own. I still post updates on our cancer blog and that's where most of my negative posts go right now. You're welcome to check out those posts if you wish.
Thank you again Kristina, for your questions. I hope I was able to give you a little insight.
What is your biggest piece of advice for a bereaved wife?
At this point, I don't really have an answer for this. I am still learning the ropes. My guess is that it is not much different than what I would say for another bereaved mom. One Day At A Time. (really that should be One Moment At A Time) .
When you think of your future, what do you see?
At this point, the only thing I am certain about in my future is that I will someday be reunited with Bear and Babybear. I just live every day knowing I'm a little closer to that reunion.
Thank you for your questions, YaYa and BlueViolet.
If your question wasn't answered here, don't you worry, I will get to your question very shortly.
- I am a bereaved mother and wife. I began this blog to help me look for the "good things" in life after my daughter, "Babybear", died in July 2005. Three years later, her daddy, my husband, "Bear", died in November 2008. (You'll find a link to their stories on my blog) And now, as difficult as it is, I continue to look for the good things in my life as I learn my new normal with my pup, "Furrybear", at my side. And the angels on my shoulder...